What, I'm Not Supposed to Laugh at Them?

I've been a teacher for 12 years and every one of those years have been in middle school.  There are moments, every single day, where I have to put on my poker face to keep from losing it with my students.  Most of the time, I am dying to laugh, but either don't want to egg them on or don't want to make them feel bad.  You would think, with all that practice, that raising two four-year-olds would be a piece of cake!  So very not true!

I actually have to leave the room many times to keep from laughing at, not with, my children.  It wasn't too bad when they were really little because they didn't understand that laughing at someone could be mean!!  I probably should feel bad about it, but I can't help it!  My kids are funny.  Especially when they aren't trying!  (Actually, only when they aren't trying!  They still SUCK at telling jokes!)

Like last weekend.  For some unknown reason, my sillies have started putting pjs on to take naps.  I use the word "nap" loosely, because what they actually do is see how long they can get away with constantly leaving their rooms to drive me nuts, but whatever.

Anyway, after "nap", I hear, "Uh-oh" from the boy.  I look up to see him with his pants down and a troubled look on his face.

"What's wrong, buddy?"  (Unfortunately, the lack of properly worn pants is not alarming in and of itself!)

"I forgot to put underpants on!  Oh wait!  There they are!"

Um, What???  How do you not know if you have underpants on?  And how do you forget underpants in the first place?  Especially since I know he had them on before nap??  What exactly is going on during nap time?  Never mind!  I really don't want to know!

Cue Mommy running in the other room so my sensitive boy won't hear me snort!

And it's not just him!  Just last night, Elena was doing something annoying.  (The fact that I don't remember what it was, tells you what kind of night we were having!)

I, in a moment of mommy-brillance, snapped, "Elena, how many times do I have to tell you to stop doing that?"

Without skipping a beat, Elena responded, "27!"

I probably should have gotten pissed at her smartass-ery, but I thought it was hilarious!!   Once again, running out of the room to avoid getting caught snorting!

I read somewhere that if you are going to laugh about something later on, you might as well laugh now, but I don't think this is what they meant!  I am probably creating a monster of sarcasm in my children or   at the very least scaring them for life.

Oh well, I have to give them something to talk about later on in therapy, right?

Just an Average Conversation with an Irrational Child

My daughter.  Words can not describe that little pistol of a girl!  She can go from overjoyed to Hulk-pissed-off and back to overjoyed in 10 seconds flat!  I love the girl to pieces, but damn!  She can be exhausting!

Case in point:

Elena:  MOMMY!!!  Stop this car right now!  I want to drive!!!

Me:  Elena, you can't drive until you are 16.

Elena:  16?!?  But I can't be a mommy when I'm 16!!  That's too young!

Me:  That's true.  16 is too young to be a mommy.

Elena:  I don't want to drive when I'm 16!  I want to be 17!

Me:  O.k.  You can drive when you are 17.

Elena:  What about when I'm 100?

Me:  Yes, you can drive when you're 100.

Elena:  What about when I'm 112?

Me:  Well, most people aren't still alive when they are 112.

From here sweet girl melted down about not wanting to die and go to heaven.  Ten seconds after that meltdown, she was completely excited about going to "Meet the Teacher Night".  It's a constant ebb and flow of emotion.  Heaven help us when she reaches puberty!!

Who would believe such a cutie could be so complicated?

Poor Antonio

"Poor Andy!"

Growing up, my grandma used to say that all the time!!!  We would all roll our eyes and laugh and tease Grandma that Andy must be her favorite.  You see, Andy was the 6th grandchild and first boy.  For the first few years of his life, he was surrounded by girls!  Although I don't remember, I'm sure we tried to make him play dress-up and all that princessy, pink girl stuff.  In the end, Grandma had 14 grandchildren and half were boys, but she never stopped saying "Poor Andy!"  No matter what he did, he could do no wrong in her eyes!!  Drove us all crazy, but Grandma saw the best in all of us, (even if I never heard "Poor Lisa!")  :)

Fast forward more years than I'm willing to admit and now it is me saying it, but instead of Andy, it's "Poor Antonio!"  The boy is the fifth of six grandchildren and the only boy.  I have a small, o.k. maybe not so small, collection of pictures of Antonio in sparkly shoes, head bands, and beaded necklaces.  The poor kid (see I'm doing it again!) has played every single girl game his cousins and sister can think of.  He doesn't complain, but he does often play by himself!  I kind of see my grandma's point now!

See!  We had to take a picture of the boy with pink Minnie ears!

There are certainly quirks about raising a boy that my sisters don't have to deal with have the joy of experiencing.  I'm pretty sure they haven't had to tell their daughters to, "Quit dancing around and aim!  I'm not cleaning pee of the floor again!"  I'm also pretty sure they didn't hear, "Well he's excited!" as the doctor was delivering their babies!  (Little boy wood still creeps me out!!)

He's almost 4 and we've already been to the ER because he wanted to help trim the hedges and I wasn't quick enough!  How he didn't lose his finger, I'll never know!  He yells things like, "Mommy!  I'm going to go bang the tree with my stick!"  (Don't worry.  It was much more innocent than it sounds!)  He takes his pants off all.  the.  time!  He will tackle anyone silly enough to sit on the floor and wrestles like he's waiting for the call from the WWE!  He never, ever stops moving!  

It may not be easy to be a boy in our estrogen-overloaded family, but there are perks!  When we went to Disney World, Antonio did have to suffer through seeing every single princess known to man, but he got a lot of attention from them!  Several gave him a big, lipstick kiss on the forehead and all of them made a fuss out of our little prince!  

He talked about Cinderella and that kiss for days!

Even though he hears, "Poor Antonio!" a lot, I think he's a pretty lucky little guy!  And I'm beyond blessed to be his momma!

How to Raise Heathens

Church.

Church is quickly turning into a four-letter word around here.

I'm not trying to raise saints, here, but I would like to take my little monkeys to church without worrying that the building will burst into flames from the lightning brought on by their, well, shall we say, lack of enthusiasm.  It's a little better when I divide and conquer and only bring one, but inevitably, someone says or does something that is embarrassing at best and curse-worthy at worst!

The Recent Evidence:

• Walking into church, Antonio sees a statue.  It is a beautiful replica of Michelangelo's Pieta.  Stunning.  Breathtaking, really.  Antonio's reaction?  To exclaim, loudly of course, "Cindalella!!!"  (Maybe it's time for less Disney?)
• Elena singing along with the congregation.  Cute, right?  Until the song is over and she continues to sing.  Still cute, though.  Until you hear the words.  "Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb"
• Antonio launching the program off the balcony.  At least the people behind us were amused.  And lesson learned.  Never sit in the front row of the balcony!
• Elena yelling, "Jesus is BAD!!" in her best devil-voice!

There is only so many ways for me to threaten encourage them to behave before I need to go to confession.  A never-ending loop of good intentions canceled out by bad behavior and cursing (mostly by me!  They usually remember about "adult words" by now!)

So, what to do?  Admit defeat and sneak out and go to church alone?  (Only the boy would be upset by this.  The girl has told me she only wants to go to church for festivals!)  Trudge on and force the issue? (Probably the entire church congregation and my blood pressure would be upset by this.)  Try to sneak through the communion wine line a few times?  (Positive the priest and God would frown on this plan!)

Like so many things in motherhood, I'm not sure what the right thing is.  But one thing I am absolutely sure of is that this, like all negative things I see in my children, certainly comes from their father!!